Today I was almost murdered by a cat.

I don’t trust cats. Never did. Never will. Something about their beady little eyes unnerves me. It’s as if they are peering into my very soul and are unimpressed with what they see. Those bastards. You’re just being paranoid, I tell myself. Cats are not out to get you, that would be crazy. Crazy, you say? Well well well! That’s what I thought too until this afternoon when one of the cats in my neighborhood tried to assassinate me.

Wednesday is laundry day for me. I’m in and out of class from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m., with some scattered breaks in between, so I am constantly dropping by my swingin’ bachelor pad throughout the day to drop stuff off or to fix myself a snack or two (I eat a lot).

It was about 6 p.m. when “the incident” occurred. I had just gotten back from class and was anxious to start a new load of laundry. The sun was shinning brightly but it was freezing outside, so I was bundled in my comfy brown sweater for warmth. I live on the 2nd story, which is a first for me. I’m usually the poor guy on the bottom who has to listen to his upstairs neighbors do God knows what at 3 a.m. Now I’m that guy! Hahaha! It’s pretty great. Except for today.

The wind was blowing so violently that I was holding my laundry basket for dear life, afraid that a rogue pair of socks or underwear would be caught by the wind and then I would look like a jackass running pathetically down the street after my own undergarments. All my neighbors would point and laugh and say “Ha ha ha! Look at that guy! He can’t even do laundry right. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.” And then they would go back to laughing maniacally at my misfortune. This is the kind of stuff I think about.

Anyway, back to my near death experience.

I was walking down the steps to the laundry room, clutching my faithful laundry basket with all my might, when suddenly out of nowhere my foot steps on something soft and rope-like and a sound unlike anything I have ever heard in my life assaults my ears. It sounded like a demon screaming the chorus of “Welcome to the Jungle” over a hot-bed of coals. I’m serious. Anyway, so it turned out the “soft and rope-like” thing I had stepped on was the tail of one of the many stray cats in my neighborhood, which scared the crap out of both of us, apparently, because when I stepped on his tail he screamed with such unholy might and fury that I lost my balance and went toppling down a half flight of stairs, landing mightily on the concrete ground with a massive thud that knocked all the wind out of my lungs. Luckily for me I didn’t land directly on the pavement, but rather I landed miraculously on top of my laundry basket, sparing my life and my good looks.

As I was laying on top of my now tragically disfigured laundry basket, gasping for breath I thought of all the things that I had yet to do with my life. After what seemed like an eternity (and 2 laughing bicyclists later) I finally summoned the strength to pull myself up, and gathered my laundry into my now deformed (but ultimately life-saving) laundry basket. I was a bit shaken, but not injured.

I eyed my would-be assassin with a smile. Better luck next time, buddy boy!

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10 comments on “Today I was almost murdered by a cat.

  1. Manna says:

    Yeah. I laughed. Out loud.

  2. Joshua Ochoa says:

    Great story (of course!), but I found a couple typing errors I thought you might like to know about. In the 3rd paragraph “Not I’m that guy!” should be “Now I’m that guy!”
    And at the end there “the strength to pull myself of,” should be “pull myself off,” I presume.

  3. Thanks Manna. I giggled myself a bit while typing it up, not gonna lie. Especially the “Welcome to the Jungle” bit. That was my favorite.

    Also, thank you to my brother Joshua for catching my mistakes. Yeah, I usually copy edit myself pretty well, but today was a bit more hectic than most. I fixed the mistakes, so now it is the masterpiece that I intended to create. πŸ™‚

  4. Aunti says:

    I found myself laughing out loud while reading this story. You are a great writer Nat(thaniel) , even if you’re a little self absorbed…. but, that just makes your “voice” all the better! REALLY!
    Also had to laugh at your brother Josh and his correcting you… I found an error too, but that just points to my grammaraphobia….or… well… ????
    I think you write a little bit like me… lots of fun details. Your good humor is much better than mine… I take life too seriously.
    I really must read more of your stuff…
    Did you get a new laundry basket?

  5. Aunti says:

    oh, what a great picture! Perfect!

  6. Self-absorbed, you say? Why, whatever do you mean? Hahaha!

    Thanks Auntie! I’m glad my near-death experience brought a smile to your face πŸ™‚

  7. Seth says:

    I’ve never seen you give cats a chance! From the first time I met you you wouldn’t even entertain the idea that *some* cats might be nicer than others (like my family’s cats). I hope you meet a nice girl who loves cats and changes your mind.

  8. You know I’m actually quite allergic to cats, right?

  9. Angie says:

    So, I decided to read about your near-death experience while sleepily sipping on my first cup of coffee this morning and wound up shooting the creamy, hot java juice (Uhh, that sorta sounds… X-rated… lol) right through my nose!! You made me laugh so hard! I pretty much think you’re amazing and wanted to thank you for entertaining me on this dreary, dreary Friday.

    P.S.- Stray cats ARE demons.

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